One Year Later

It's been a year since I had to put Sansa down. A whole year of questioning what I did wrong, how I could have prevented it, what I could have done different.

Currently, my sleep is off again. I typically get 4-5 hours each day of sleep. My brain is foggy, my body feels worn. Right now I'm at work and all I want to do is make it through the next four and a half hours so I can go home and sleep.

It seems the only times I can sleep is when I take Zquil, but then I wake up feeling drunk, not hung over, but drunk. Even now I'm finding it hard to find the words to put here.

SO at any rate, that's where I am. Tommorrow is the one year anniversay of Gordon's death, so I'm feeling that too.

Like butter that has been scraped over too much bread

I'm tired.
Not physically, but mentally I am exhausted. Lately, my routine has fallen into a cycle of work, sleep, errands, sleep, work. When I get off work, all I want to do is sleep. When my alarm goes off, all I want to do is hit snooze and sleep. When I'm at work, all I look forward to is going home so I can go to bed.
I've discovered this 'condition' is called hypersomnia. But again, without having seen a doctor, I have no true diagnosis.
I get three days off work a week, but typically I spend them running errands, or other things so it is almost like I am working, even on my off days. Add to that the exsessive heat we have been experiencing, and that leads to all sorts of just tired.
I wish I knew what to do. There are some studies on hypersomnia that say it is tied to depression, and I personally feel that could be the source. After the year I've had. Sure, my son getting married was a good day, but that is one good day compared to Sansa and Gordon's deaths. The anniversary of dad and granny's deaths. Sansa's birthday next week. Gordon's birthday a few weeks after his death. It just seems to be one loss compounded by another and the only outlet I have is this journal.
On the plus side, I've lost twelve pounds, so I guess that's a good thing?