So, that happened

SO I got the promotion. I am now the General Manager of a boutique hotel. And have all the headaches and pay increase that comes with that.
On the personal front, I feel as if the woman I love isn't giving me the same energy. Well wasn't. She and I talked, and the past couple of days have been better. But my mind wonders how long it will last.
Already I've seen a new influence in her life that is encouraging her to make choices that are not in her best interest. Which is concerning. Nothing harmfull, except perhaps stress wise.
WE had a snow/ice storm, NO WHERE NEAR as bad as they said it was going to be. Lots of ice on the roads though. So I've been stuck at work for, 28 hours. The benefit of working in a hotel is that I get to camp out in one of our rooms. So I have slept, but Odin is home alone. Thankfully the power at the house has not gone out, so he has heat, and I piled his food bowl full before I left.
all in all, 2026 seems to be about change. wonder what is next.

One Year Later

It's been a year since I had to put Sansa down. A whole year of questioning what I did wrong, how I could have prevented it, what I could have done different.

Currently, my sleep is off again. I typically get 4-5 hours each day of sleep. My brain is foggy, my body feels worn. Right now I'm at work and all I want to do is make it through the next four and a half hours so I can go home and sleep.

It seems the only times I can sleep is when I take Zquil, but then I wake up feeling drunk, not hung over, but drunk. Even now I'm finding it hard to find the words to put here.

SO at any rate, that's where I am. Tommorrow is the one year anniversay of Gordon's death, so I'm feeling that too.

I Miss My Lap Cat

Tomorrow, July 20th, would have been Sansa's 6th birthday. Five months later and I am still questioning what I could have done differently.

I've looked up signs of what cats typically do when they are sick. One of those is hiding. She never hid. Any time I sat down she was in my lap purring away.

How did I not notice she was sick? If I had noticed sooner, could it have kept her alive? How could I miss any sign that she was in distress? Was I a bad cat parent for not noticing? Why do I keep blaming myself? What could I have done different?

I am emotionally and mentally exhausted. When I am not at work, all I want to do is sleep. And then I'm reminded of how she always slept with me. Always wanted to be curled up under the blanket with me. So, when I do sleep, I don't sleep well. I go to bed, and I wake up feeling like 6 or 7 hours have passed, and it's only been 2.

And then there is Odin. He has been more affectionate and playful since Sansa left us. At the same time, you can tell he misses her. There are periods of the day where he roams the house looking for something, crying out.

People ask me if I will ever get another kitten. Part of me wants one, and part of me is afraid I will fail a new kitten the same way I failed Sansa.

And that seems to be the core. No matter what any one tells me, I feel as if I completely failed her. I feel as if I should have done/noticed more to help her. I feel as in her last days, weeks she didn't know why I wasn;t helping her.

Yes, I know way too much thought and emotion to attribute to a cat, but then again how do we know? How do I know?

How do I get past this? This is as much grief as it is me tearing myself apart and blaming myself, and I CAN'T.GET.PAST.IT.