Hypersomnia

the inability to stay awake and alert during the day despite having more than an adequate amount of nighttime sleep.

Now, let's clarify this by the fact that my work day is 10p-8a Wed-Sat, so I work third shift. I have no issues staying up when I have something to do. Work, taking my mother to doctor's appointments, running errands, etc.

But when there is nothing to do, no 'objective' I want to do nothing other than sleep. Doesn't matter if it is in my bed, or on the couch. If I'm not asleep I'm watching something on TV, or playing Fallout 4.

One would think this would lead to weight gain, yet since Febuary, I've lost 13 lbs. Maybe because I'm to tired or not motivated enough to cook for myself. Things that are easy to cook or eat have become the norm. Did you know that when you become an adult, you can have an ice cream sandwich for breakfast? Easier than cereal, and no dishes to wash.

I would chalk it up to depression, lord knows this year has given me more than enough reason to be. Add to that the one panic attack I think I mentioned previously, and I am fairly sure my mind is, if not broken, fractured. I started this blog because I can't afford therapy, and writing allows me to channel (even if I am rambling) my thoughts in some sort of way other than bottling it all up. I have two more hours of work left before I go home currently, and all I can think about is how good it will be to crawl into bed.

The fact that I am a fully functioning adult amazes me at times. My brother and I a few years ago noticed how our phone conversations had transitioned from talking about geek/nerd stuff to things like bills, and responsibilities. It was jarring how we came to the realization that we had grown up. Don't get me wrong, we were still geeks/nerds, but man....

So even with this overwhelming desire to do nothing but sleep, I still get thigs done. Bills are paid, laundry is done, dishes, Odin is fed. I eat... maybe. So it's not like it is interfering with my ability to function as an adult. But at the same time, it troubles me.

Why do I always want to sleep? Why can't I seem to get out of this funk I'm in? Why can't I stop beating myself up for Sansa's death? Why did I say something that made the woman I went on a date with uncomfortable? That last one may not be on me, as much as it is a result of her past trauma, and she is allowed that.

Hell, I don't even know if anyone is even reading this thing? I mean not that it matters, I started this so that I could juet vent when I felt the need. But at the same time, is there someone reading my blog and saying "man I wish I could help" or "dude, this man is fucked up in the head"? shrugs

At anyrate, time to make the doughnuts (or scones as the case my be)

Mark